From Struggle To Strength

Michelle was married with three boys under the age of five, living overseas in isolation from friends and family, with a husband who was physically and mentally abusive. Brought up to believe in working through marital problems no matter what, Michelle struggled to reconcile her values with an increasingly unbearable situation. Losing her self-confidence and the capacity to navigate parenthood, she knew something had to change.

The challenges of parenting in isolation while navigating a broken marriage took a toll, not only on Michelle but also on her children's well-being, especially for her eldest son Toby, who was then six years old. His undiagnosed ADHD and autism, exacerbated by trauma, made it difficult to find a school willing to enrol him. Finally, on the third attempt, a school an hour’s drive away accepted him.

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Finding A Lifeline

"Things were becoming more and more unsafe for me and my three boys. Financial abuse was a major issue, together with being geographically isolated from my family and all my connections in Dunedin. I knew in my heart that the situation wasn’t okay, but it conflicted with my values — I needed to make this marriage work. I had lost so much confidence in myself, but luckily my mum recognised what was going on and provided me and my children with a lifeline to get back to New Zealand."

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Rebuilding Her Life

Michelle explained that the process of returning to Dunedin wasn't easy and took nine months. It was crucial that her husband was fully on board with ending their marriage and that the children were in her care. "I've realised that he [ex-husband] isn't a bad person; he just has issues that haven’t been managed."

Back in New Zealand, Michelle began to rebuild her life through family connections, registering with a GP, and seeking paediatric and therapy support, including finding a school for her two eldest boys. "Two years on and people kept telling me I needed a social worker to help me with parenting strategies for children who have experienced trauma, so I was initially referred to a hospital social worker —thankfully she recognised what our family needed and referred us to Anglican Family Care’s Home-based Family Support service."

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Another Curveball

Despite the relief of having this support, Michelle felt an enormous amount of shame about her situation. As a qualified teacher, she felt stigmatised and was initially reluctant to let anyone know she had worked in education. "I got to the point when I knew I needed help and couldn’t do this by myself any longer, no matter how uncomfortable it felt. I felt so comfortable with Home-based Family Support (Social Worker) Annalyce from the start. It was easy to feel comfortable around her; she never judged me—ever! Her presence was very reassuring, and I'm very grateful."

Michelle began working on goal setting and making progress when she was unexpectedly diagnosed with cancer.

"At that point, I felt I couldn’t think about the goals and considered giving up on the service. It was my mum who convinced me not to cancel, as she saw the benefits of having the support of my social worker. I'm so pleased I did. With Annalyce’s presence and reassurance, I felt supported and was able to stay focused and keep things achievable throughout my treatment."

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Circle of Security Introduced

“The goal setting; all of that helped me to stay focused and keep things achievable. Having somebody who would quietly encourage me and to remind me that I had a voice, was invaluable.”

Social Worker Annalyce explains, “This all happened during the COVID-19 lockdown, which meant that we were very limited as to how we could work together at the time. My main role here was around parenting through the grief and fear she was experiencing. Michelle was going through her own personal battle, both physically and mentally, and she worked so hard over this time to make sure that it didn’t impact her children.”

A year after completing her cancer treatment, Michelle’s middle son, Noah, began displaying negative behaviour, to the point where he refused to get out of the car and go to school. The excellent learning opportunities, such as Circle of Security (CoS) offered by Anglican Family Care, helped Michelle develop strategies to provide emotional support and foster secure attachment. Michelle told us that CoS was fantastic, it grew her confidence as a parent, and she learnt ways to support her boys through their challenging behaviour. “I used to blame myself, but I now have the skills to manage their behaviour. I don’t have to jump in and try to solve their problems then and there, and it’s ok to just be present and be there for them in that moment. Annalyce was fantastic and was able to pace the learning modules around the ups and downs.”

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Advocacy in Action

Advocacy is a key attribute of social work. "Every day, I was navigating specialist appointments for either myself or one of my children and feeling miserable about everything. Annalyce helped me connect with another agency that facilitated a process to support me and my family when multiple agencies were involved.”

"It was so beneficial having Anglican Family Care and Annalyce with me on my journey. On top of everything else, housing insecurity was a real issue; we had moved five times, which was very stressful. The support to navigate fragmented systems and advocate confidently for myself within these systems and at appointments has been life-changing."

Annalyce explained “As we managed to get the appropriate supports in place, Noah’s difficult behaviours started to reduce. Coupled with Michelle’s learnings from our conversations and CoS (Circle of Security), she felt more confident to understand and meet his needs when he was overwhelmed by his big feelings.”

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"A Celebration For Us Both"

Another significant milestone was navigating the education system to get extra support for eldest son Toby. The process took 12 months, but with Annalyce’s support, Michelle was able to access funding for a private cognitive assessment, leading to a defined diagnosis and her application to the Ongoing Resourcing Scheme (ORS) funding through the Ministry of Education was finally approved. Michelle reflects - “The opportunity for education is so important; you never get the time back.”

“Working with Michelle was such a privilege, as a lot of this journey was one that we took together, both figuring it out as we went along. There were so many complex systems to navigate around health and education for Toby and Noah that I didn’t always have all the answers, and so when something worked, it really was a celebration for us both.” said Annalyce.

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Hope For A Better Future

Summarising her journey, Michelle told us, “"It was the help to talk through situations and concerns and then come up with plans and goals to address them. The support we received enabled us to change the trajectory for our family. It was tremendous. After working with Annalyce, I now feel confident to advocate for my children (now 11, 8 & 6 years old) and myself. I have gained confidence and learned so much. I am very grateful for this, as it really has changed things for our family in such a positive way."

Recently, Michelle obtained a post-graduate diploma in Specialist Education. Drawing from her own experience and expertise, her goal is to one day provide specialist educational support for children, helping them thrive in an educational setting.

*Client names and images have been changed

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