By Beth Stitely | Posted: Tuesday October 20, 2015
Michelle* became a client of Anglican Family Care when her physician made a referral with regards to her son and his behaviour. However, after working with Anglican Family Care social worker Jackie for some time, it became apparent that there was more going on in the home than a young child’s behavioural issues. Jackie recognised this and promptly stepped in to ask the right questions at the right time. As it turned out, Michelle was living with a violent man who was abusive and controlling.
“One day Jackie came over for her regular visit and I was very upset,” says Michelle “Jackie asked me what was going on and I told her about my partner’s behaviour. From that point on, the focus of our sessions was more on me and my relationship rather than on my son.” Jackie worked with Michelle to help her understand the nature of an abusive relationship. She shared with her the Power and Control Wheel and helped Michelle identify how her partner’s behaviours fit within this cycle of abuse. However, after a period of time things came to a head.
“Things got of control and when Jackie showed up one day, I just burst into tears. I shared with her how my partner had been abusive that night. Jackie called the police and I was prepared to make a statement.” Although it wasn’t an easy thing to do, Michelle went to the police and was able to secure a Protection Order. It was the first step that allowed her to be able to leave this eleven year abusive and violent relationship.
Michelle reflects back upon what had happened to her. “He was controlling. He had all the money. He used to check receipts. I stayed at home to take care of the kids but I had no freedom. I wasn’t allowed to do anything.” At one point she thought she could thwart the physical abuse. “I bought him a punching bag to hit rather than me….but it didn’t work.”
Michelle credits her ability to leave the relationship due to the emotional and educational support she received. “I wouldn’t be out of the relationship without the support from Jackie. She was my rock. I don’t have family here and so Jackie stayed with me the whole day when I went to the police. I’m so grateful to her.” Through all the challenges, Michelle is thankful to say that not only is she feeling better but her children have changed as well. “The kids used to hit each other and yell and be angry just like their Dad. But now I have love and cuddles from them. I didn’t have that before.”
Family and domestic violence is prevalent throughout society. It is especially a problem within New Zealand and many groups are working hard to bring awareness and action for change. Michelle would like to see more people step forward and speak up if they see a woman in an abusive relationship. “I’m sure my neighbours knew what was going on. We lived next door to them for seven years and they never said a word to me. I used to run out of the house in the middle of the night screaming and my partner would grab me in the street and drag me back in. But my neighbours never mentioned it. If they would have asked if I was OK, I would have reached out for help then. But they never asked if I was OK. They just pretended nothing was going on.”
Many lessons have been learned through this difficult experience. “I’ve learned it’s OK to ask for help and to tell people,” says Michelle “It’s also good to understand that there are other people out there who are struggling with violence. I wasn’t the only one. No one should be treated that way.”
Because Michelle had help and support, she had the confidence to leave an abusive relationship. Her abuser is now working with a counsellor and taking anger management courses. Michelle is confident and optimistic for a better future for herself, her children and even her ex-partner. She’s hopeful that sharing her story will inspire others who may be in an abusive relationship to seek help. “I encourage women to reach out to Anglican Family Care. You can have a better life and things can be different.”
Where to Get Help:
Anglican Family Care Dunedin 266 Hanover Street Dunedin, Dunedin 03.477.0801
Anglican Family Care Balclutha 4 Clyde Street, Balclutha 03.418.2530
How You Can Help:
· Speak Out. If you think someone may be in an abusive relationship, ask them if they are OK. Encourage them to seek help and be a friend to them by being supportive.
· Be Aware. Understand that many women in abusive relationships are ashamed or fearful of speaking up. Often we need to look for signs rather than words.
· Be a Neighbour. If you hear or see abuse going on next door, call the police.
· Take Action. You can help women like Michelle by financially supporting Anglican Family Care. Click HERE to make a donation.
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*At Anglican Family Care we respect everyone who comes to us for help. Many are working toward a fresh start in life. So while their stories are true, client names and images have been changed to protect their privacy. Thank you for understanding.